Writing of changes to former thought patterns taking place in the contemporary church, one author in an independent Adventist journal wrote some years ago, “Few of our young people worry about finding themselves unequally yoked” [1]. Perhaps, due to the increased spirit of compromise in the church of today, this is because—for far too many—the yoke isn’t so unequal any more!
But the issue of dating and marrying unbelievers not only affects young Adventists with indifferent or hostile views of their church’s doctrinal or lifestyle standards. It is not just a problem for the worldly—for those whose Adventism is one more of culture than conviction. For them, what follows in this article will doubtless come across as exclusive, petty, parochial—not to mention that favorite epithet for faithfulness so popular just now: “legalistic.”
But in my experience, I have watched some of the most faithful among young adult Adventists waver and yield on this point. Matters of the heart exude an awesome strength, a nearly irresistible gravity. Unless our faith is constantly, consistently applied to the daily life, the pull of the heart can easily dislodge the anchor of the mind.
It is time to review this issue again.
The Biblical Command
From the earliest times, the enemy has beguiled God’s people into seeking love interests outside the faith community. This was the great sin which brought about the apostasy of the children of Seth, who chose to intermarry with the daughters of Cain (Gen. 6:2-4). The experiences of such as Samson and Solomon stand out, perhaps, above all other examples in this regard. Little wonder God commanded the people of Israel as follows, regarding the surrounding nations:
Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter shalt thou not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son (Deut. 7:3).
The Bible passage most often quoted on this subject, of course, is the following:
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? Or what part that he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? (II Cor. 6:14-16).
This passage, of course, says nothing specific about marriage. Marriage is simply one of many life situations where the principle found in this passage applies. It is not God’s plan for His people to form alliances or intimate relationships with those not sharing their faith. Such relationships lead to tension and conflict, and in most cases compromise and a relaxing of convictions which nearly always occur on the part of the believer, rather than the unbeliever.
What About Non-Adventist Christians?
But should a non-Adventist Christian be classified as an unbeliever? Let us stop and consider this, very carefully.
The Seventh-day Adventist faith involves fundamental, deeply-rooted differences with the beliefs and lifestyles of nearly all other Christians. Such basic doctrines as law and grace, salvation, the Sabbath, what happens at death, the punishment of the wicked, the manner of Jesus’ coming—these are but a few basic differences of belief held by Adventists with Christians outside our church. For example, a devout Adventist married to a devout Catholic understands, from Scripture, that the faith held by the one he or she loves is identified by prophecy as God’s great enemy in the scheme of history and end-time events. Such Catholic principles as confession to priests, papal infallibility, and the right to change God’s law stand at swords’ points with the convictions of any informed, consecrated Seventh-day Adventist.
What kind of happiness, what kind of spiritual oneness, can possibly exist in a home like that? How does a parent explain to a child that the religion of the other parent is condemned in Scripture as the Antichrist system?
And what about lifestyle issues—Sabbath observance, diet and health, alcohol and tobacco use, tithing, entertainment choices, and much more? Again, the contrast between the choices of faithful Seventh-day Adventists and sincere Christians of other faiths is profound and sharp. To a young person who takes the Adventist message seriously, these differences matter very much. They involve that extra level of commitment which God seeks from those living in the final moments of the great controversy. Other Christians, genuine followers of Jesus though many are, simply do not perceive these issues, these dilemmas, in the same way.
Little wonder that Ellen White, in her counsel to a young woman contemplating marriage to a non-Adventist, writes:
Though the companion of your choice were in all other respects worthy (which he is not), yet he has not accepted the truth for this time; he is an unbeliever, and you are forbidden of Heaven to unite yourself with him [2].
In Ellen White’s writings, “the truth for this time” is consistently identified with the unique doctrines of the Seventh-day Adventist Church. This entire chapter, titled “Marriage with Unbelievers,” is found on pp. 361-368 of volume 5 of the Testimonies. It is a “must” read for every young Adventist of dating or marriageable age. It is here where Ellen White offers her famed description of a spiritually divided household as one “where the shadows are never lifted” [3].
The 1997 edition of the Seventh-day Adventist Minister’s Handbook offers the following insightful comments as to why marriage between a devout Adventist and a devout Christian of another faith is unwise:
The consistent Adventist young woman, for example, doesn’t have enough in common with even the most devout non-Adventist Christian man. This in no way disparages his genuineness as a Christian. The problem lies in lifestyle: the wholistic theology of Adventism leads to a lifestyle too different to encourage marital harmony. We tend to warn her that he won’t maker her happy. It is probably more Christian to warn her that she may not make him happy.
Likely, he won’t prefer her vegetarian diet. She won’t want to cook his bacon. She’ll object to his beer in the refrigerator and his tobacco smoke in the living room. He won’t want her to pay tithe. She won’t approve of his TV on Sabbath. They miss the fellowship of attending church together or being part of the same church family. The most convenient time for him to shop may be Saturday, and she won’t go along. She won’t go dancing or to cocktail parties with him.
When children come, she objects to his having the babies christened. She doesn’t want Father taking his son to games on Friday night or Saturday. She wants her children to have an Adventist education. He doesn’t want to be burdened with the expense. He promotes one set of beliefs to the child, she promotes another, and the child, frustrated and confused, often ends up with none [4].
Some will quickly remind us that with all the doctrinal and lifestyle confusion in Adventism these days, one need not marry a non-Adventist to marry one with widely different faith and practices. True enough. But while experience and observation may differ here, I have generally found that the committed young Adventist tempted to date or marry outside the church has been largely “turned off” by the low standards and lack of spirituality among fellow Adventists. (It should be noted once again that those who don’t care about doctrinal or lifestyle standards aren’t the focus of this discussion.) Such persons often find themselves uncomfortable in the Adventist dating scene because no one they meet seems to share their values. Consequently, with no social life to speak of and loneliness gnawing at the heart, such a one is ripe for trouble, and the devil knows it. And it seems he usually entraps such persons, not with another below-standard Adventist (of whom they’ve already met too many), but with Mr. or Miss Right who promises everything they’ve ever wanted in someone special—except that he or she doesn’t happen to be an Adventist.
From what I’ve seen, this appears to be a significant feature of Satan’s strategy in fostering unwise marriages in the Seventh-day Adventist Church.
None will deny that many non-Adventist Christians possess a sincerity and love for Christ far beyond that of many Adventists. But the fact remains that the differences in faith and lifestyle noted earlier are real and fundamental, and thus easily destructive of spiritual integrity and marital harmony.
Faith Sundered by Feeling
In Bible times, it seems that most marriages with unbelievers—at least those given specific focus within the Sacred Narrative—were contracted by believing men with unbelieving women. In my own church experience, I have seen most such relationships established between believing women and unbelieving men.
Exactly why this is true, I am not sure. Perhaps it is because, as one wrote some years ago in the Adventist Review, “women strongly out number men” in the church, thus making it difficult for some Adventist women to find an Adventist mate [5]. But whatever the reason, I’ve seen the scenario played out often enough for some patterns to be predictable. The devil seems to have worked this strategy to an art, especially with consecrated but lonely young women in the church. It goes something like this:
Darlene is an attractive, successful young Adventist professional. Home training and personal study have nurtured and strengthened her faith in the Adventist message and lifestyle. She reads her Bible regularly, and is active in her local church young adult group. The problem is, she can’t seem to find the right guy! All the Adventist men she dates turn out, for one reason or another, to be less than desirable. Now, in her late twenties, with most of her friends married and starting families, she fears life may be passing her by.
Then one day, at the health club where she works out, she meets Brad. Tall, handsome, outgoing, and successful, he looks every inch the man of her dreams. Friendship soon leads to long conversations and an occasional dinner, which Darlene convinces herself is really “not a date.” Brad is a Christian who attends a popular evangelical church in town, whose theology, worship, and lifestyle patterns differ widely from her conservative Adventist beliefs.
She tries to ignore his occasional references to his dead grandmother “up in heaven,” who he claims “still guides him” from above with impressions and comfort. She also tries to overlook the occasional glass of wine he has when they go out together. Often he jokes about her peculiar diet, made obvious every time they visit their favorite Chinese restaurant and she orders vegetable chow mein in contrast to his sweet-and-sour pork. Despite all, she keeps telling herself, Brad is the most incredible guy she’s ever known, far and above any Adventist she has ever dated. After a time, on certain occasions, he agrees to attend church with her, on condition that she will do the same with him.
Soon the relationship turns serious, and Darlene can no longer hide the fact that Brad is her boyfriend. Considering their age and professional status, it is hard for the “m” word not to soon enter their conversations. Quite obviously, Brad is dying to marry Darlene. But for a time, she holds back. She knows his faith and lifestyle are in many respects poles apart from her own. She knows marriage will doubtless lead to children, and in her more sober moments she wonders which faith the children will be taught. But many of her Adventist girlfriends tease her for her squeamishness, telling her how “lucky” she is to find a guy like Brad. Repeatedly they tell her how “love” and “grace” are more important than “all those Adventist rules of ours,” and that at the bottom line, “Jesus is more important than doctrine anyway.”
She consults her pastor, who likewise chides her for being so rigid. He knows Brad’s pastor and several of his leading church members from a church growth seminar they recently attended together. He tells Darlene the members of that church “are better Christians than most Adventists I know.” Even her parents, long admirers of their daughter’s faithfulness and principled choices, begin dropping hints that she should go with her heart. Like their pastor, they have started to regret the “legalistic” upbringing in which they were raised, and in which they have raised their daughter. Her mother especially assures her that “love can always work things out.”
During quiet, reflective moments, Darlene’s doubts about the relationship are strongest. Her mind’s calm rejoinders to the cry of her heart, deeply inbred by her Adventist upbringing, speak loudest when she is alone. But in the end, her loneliness and self-assurance rush to her heart’s rescue. After all, she rationalizes, Brad has a good heart. He respects her beliefs, even if he finds them a bit strange. Most of all, she is convinced she can help him. He is so honest, so sincere, so complete in his love for Christ and the Bible. He’ll eventually come around.
Then comes that magical time of year known as Valentine’s Day. Brad takes Darlene to her favorite restaurant, complete with a dozen long-stem roses. He says all the right things, romances her in just the way she likes. He is the perfect gentleman, making no physical demands (unlike the roguish Adventist men she remembers so badly). At the right moment, when all is ready, he pops the big question. Darlene, caught off guard and fully captive to her lover’s attentions, feels like a chip swept along in a raging river. Her resolve shatters, her principles dissipate in the soft candlelight. Her faith, once the bulwark of her life, is at last sundered by feeling. She says Yes.
The Unspoken Example
It is only a story, of course. But such lapses of resolve and integrity are becoming too frequent, even among the striving faithful. The plain, unequivocal counsel of God is being set aside by emotion, rationalizing, and the absurd but fondly cherished illusion that “love will conquer all.” A recent Wall Street Journal article aptly observed, regarding the rise of interfaith marriages and the particular challenges they bring: “When the honeymoon is over, love proves less than omnipotent” [6].
One college Bible teacher of mine said, regarding marriage, that “moonlight and roses soon changes to daylight and dishes.” And in no marriage is this more likely than in one between partners of widely different faith.
In the above scenario, Darlene will face two likely outcomes: (1) She will stay true to her principles—at enormous cost to herself, the happiness of her mate, and the unity of her household; (2) she will start, ever so subtly, to lower her guard and relax the assertiveness of her faith and standards, especially with the children. (Brad may even remind her of those Bible texts which make the husband the spiritual leader of the family.) Sadly, the least likely of all outcomes is that Brad will fulfill his wife’s dream and accept her faith.
It is simply not enough merely to “agree to disagree,” to “tolerate differences,” or to “respect one another’s beliefs.” (Some seem to forget, when discussing this issue, that love and tolerance are not at all the same!) Arguments are not necessary to destroy the peace of such a family. All that is needed is the unspoken example, the silent influence felt by the varying choices in faith and life, the nagging fear by one partner that the other is “judging” him or her—even if words of condemnation are never uttered.
When children arrive, these dilemmas become vastly worse, and far more heart-wrenching. Bobby desperately wants to join his friends who play football on Friday night. While he knows Dad is a big football fan and would love to see him play, Bobby still loves his mother and doesn’t want to break her heart. In the end, Bobby may well see religion as a blight and a curse, a devouring incubus which drove apart the two wonderful people he knows his parents to be.
Very little of this, to be sure, is ever perceived in the bliss of romantic expectations and sweet assurances. Dating with differences is far easier than being married to them. Allowing your partner a different set of convictions is far easier than deciding which convictions will be taught to your children. Ordering different meals at a restaurant is far easier than preparing them at home. And occasionally attending a different church with someone is far easier than watching your children choose the one with which they will cast their lot.
“Can Two Walk Together . . . ?”
The question posed by the ancient prophet still matters in the twenty-first century: “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3). For anyone who takes the Bible and its view of truth seriously, the unequal yoke is still a bad idea.
Ellen White speaks even more pointedly on this subject: “To connect with an unbeliever is to place yourself on Satan’s ground. You grieve the Spirit of God and forfeit His protection. Can you afford to have such terrible odds against you in fighting the battle for everlasting life?” [7].
I can’t leave this subject without advising any consecrated young Adventist of dating or marriageable age of an especially rewarding place where a godly partner might be found. I am speaking of GYC (Generation of Youth for Christ), the powerful revival-and-reformation movement among Adventist young people that has done so much in the past two decades to bring the church’s rising generations back to our Bible-based teachings and lifestyle standards. Untold numbers of godly Adventist youth have found boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, and wives with kindred spiritual values in the context of GYC, its annual gatherings, and its various endeavors. For those young Adventists who wonder where they might find a spiritually serious, Bible-and-Spirit of Prophecy-oriented person to date and eventually marry, I know of no better setting than GYC.
Waiting on the Lord, in this area of life, is never easy. I know. But until, in God’s time, the cloudy pillar approaches the verge of Jordan, He will sustain us as surely in the wilderness of the heart as He did His people in the crags and wastes of Sinai.
REFERENCES
1. Spencer Downing, “Barely Hanging On,” Adventist Today, September-October 1995, p. 10.
2. Ellen G. White, Testimonies, vol. 5, p. 364.
3. Ibid, p. 363.
4. Seventh-day Adventist Minister’s Handbook (Silver Spring, MD: General Conference Ministerial Association, 1997), pp. 260-261.
5. A Concerned Member, letter to Adventist Review, April 17, 2003, p. 2.
6. Bradford Wilcox, “Till Faith Do Us Part: When Two Traditions Wed,” Wall Street Journal online, March 22, 2013.
7. White, Testimonies, vol. 5, pp. 364-365.
Pastor Kevin Paulson holds a Bachelor’s degree in theology from Pacific Union College, a Master of Arts in systematic theology from Loma Linda University, and a Master of Divinity from the SDA Theological Seminary at Andrews University. He served the Greater New York Conference of Seventh-day Adventists for ten years as a Bible instructor, evangelist, and local pastor. He writes regularly for Liberty magazine and does script writing for various evangelistic ministries within the denomination. He continues to hold evangelistic and revival meetings throughout the North American Division and beyond, and is a sought-after seminar speaker relative to current issues in the Seventh-day Adventist Church. He presently resides in Berrien Springs, Michigan